Writer: Lost

WARNING: This is a no-edit zone...


Writers are human, and being human they experience the same things emotionally that others experience. It is their ability to relate these common or universal emotions in a way that readers see glimpses of themselves in what is written that makes the writer a storyteller.


That’s a gift, and while you might be able to assume some storytelling traits, you can’t assume and sustain them through an entire novel much less through a career of novels.


In writing a novel, we often start out with the germ of an idea. One that meets specific criteria that determines whether or not the idea is viable to sustain the demands of a novel... MORE



Tags: author, abuse, awareness, blogger, career analysis, career paths, conflict, constructive criticism, CREATIVE WRITING, motivators, writer, writer's library, writing craft, writing liability, Vicki Hinze, ITW, International Thriller Writers, MWA, Mystery Writers of America, RWA, Romance Writers of America, Novelists, Ninc, ACFW, American Christian Fiction Writers, Emerald Coast Writers, Ancient City Authors, Clever Divas

Writers: Beware!

WARNING: This is a no-edit zone...

I’ve been neck-deep in putting together a new series, but received a head’s up this morning and wanted to share it with those of you who are writers with public pages in the social networking realm.

Check your pages.

Once again we have someone who has too little to do and lacks the wisdom to use the gift of time, well, wisely. A bodysnarking incident occurred (an unflattering photo of some, no doubt unsuspecting, guy was substituted for mine). In my case, the offender has been reported. If you note offenses on your pages, do file the abuse reports. They are taken very seriously.

Also today another individual noted a similar event on a different social networking page. That too has been reported. While the identities used for these purposes are typically fake, the IP numbers are very real and traceable. Getting a new IP doesn’t negate the ability to discover an old one. (Isn’t technology wonderful?) Anyway, there are consequences. For repeat performers, some pretty stiff ones--especially if they’ve previously been warned by authorities to cease and desist.

Do be sure to check your text as well as images. We all know changing a single word can change a great deal.

Sites you might want to check closely: Shelfari, Myspace, Facebook, Bebo. Why not use this is an opportunity to just run a check on all of those in which you participate?

Do note that on Shelfari anyone can edit a page. That makes it vulnerable to abuse, though abuse on it is exposed in that all changes are tracked to the individual making them.

Back to work!

Blessings,

Vicki

Tags:

THE AGE OF RAGE

THE AGE OF RAGE ©2008, Vicki Hinze

WARNING: This is a no-edit zone...

Writers connect characters to readers through emotions. That makes it vital to understand them. Otherwise, the odds diminish of depicting them accurately or of having the reader react to whatever is depicted the way the writer intends the reader to react.

We live in an age of rage. Where people once exercised restraint, today they are far more apt to cut loose and let the fur fly--often with little or no provocation, and too often with no thought about the consequences. There was a time not too long ago, when terms like “road rage” weren’t part of our vocabulary. Where watching a group of teenage girls beat up another teenage girl wasn’t broadcast and considered entertainment.

There are a lot of angry people out there, and yet if we limit anger to only the negative, then we’ve missed the best half of its value. Because like most things in life, anger can be positive or negative.

First we need to make to sure we see anger clearly.

Anger isn’t an action. It is a reaction. It is the effect of an underlying cause.

That cause can be someone doing something that hurts you--intentionally or unintentionally, professionally or personally. Something that appalls you, something that scares you. (Note that all three are emotions, writers.) Let’s look at a couple of examples:

If someone makes a false accusation against you, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.

If you pull a week of overtime on a project for the boss and the coworker supposedly helping you did nothing but takes full credit for all your work, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.

If your daughter wears your favorite jacket without your permission and wrecks it or loses it, odds are pretty good your reaction will be anger.

If you write a chapter and haven’t saved it and the power goes out and it’s lost forever, odds are very good your reaction will be anger.

If someone steals your car, your wallet, or your name for the purpose of damaging your reputation, you can bet your reaction will be anger.

Personally and/or professionally, we react with anger to injustice. To things we consider universally just plain wrong.

But we also at times react with anger when no malice or intent to harm is intended. In fact, we sometimes react in anger when we’re not even directly involved.

You instruct your child not to do something. The child does it anyway. You’re not harmed, but you are angry.

Someone you care about gets sick. You yell at the doctor--outraged from the tip of your head to the soles of your feet.

Why?

Because other emotions are fueling the fire. Often that other emotion is fear.

You fear the sick person will die. You rage against the fear of death, but death isn’t someone you can shout out, so you pick a victim present: the doctor, or nurse or ambulance attendant--anyone will do.

People typically look for someone to blame. It makes them feel more secure, like they’re more in control, to be able to point a finger and say, “It’s his/her fault.” So to feel less vulnerable, they look for someone upon whom they can focus their fear which manifests in the form of anger. They might even choose the individual who is sick!

Fear, frustration, insecurity. Injustice, an inability to manipulate, a loss of control, a failure to achieve a desired outcome--all of these emotion-based reasons, and others like them, can manifest as anger. But remember, anger is the reaction, not the action. It’s the effect, not the cause. The primary core emotion sparking the reaction is the catalyst.

Anger, you see, isn’t an innate reaction. It’s a learned response. A simple example:

When a child hits himself with a hammer, he cries.
When an adult hits himself with a hammer, he cusses.

One reacts to pain with tears.
The other reacts with anger.

A learned response.

The primary causes and effects discussed thus far are largely negative. But anger has a whole different side. A valuable side, and our characters should react to it just as people do. On this side of the proverbial scales, anger is constructive.

It acts as a catalyst to motivate us to do constructive things (versus destructive ones) we wouldn’t have done or couldn’t have done without that motivation. An example:

A doctor lost his father early in life to a heart attack. The son was furious. Now he could have let that anger eat him alive, or even destroy him. He could have grown so bitter that it poisoned him and stole his destiny. But he didn’t. Instead he channeled his anger constructively--and went on to create the first artificial heart.

Anger can motivate us to stretch and grow. It can inspire us to change, to do better and more than believed we were capable of doing. Anger can infuse us with determination, give us the courage to try things we never dreamed of trying--and to keep on trying until we achieve them.

Anger can impact us in ways that change the course of our entire lives--define our life’s purpose.

When we think of anger, we often think of abuse and only its negatives. We neglect to remember the good that can come from it (the anger, not the abuse). Anger isn’t so much about the emotion, though we should understand the ramifications of that, too.

Anger always has ramifications. Some are negative, but some are definitely positive. And we get to choose which our anger will be.

Anger channeled improperly causes stress. Stress kills. It’s that simple. But before it kills, it makes us sick. Headaches, digestive challenges, spastic colon problems and so many more physical challenges manifest as a result of anger (and other negative emotions) not being processed in a positive way.

Anger channeled properly inspires and infuses us with abilities we had but didn’t know we had. Inspires us to gain new skills, new abilities that serve us in all areas of our lives because they broaden our experience and give us deeper wells to draw from in doing things we want to do. Things we’re meant to do.

So, yes, we live in an age of rage. And, yes, many factors contribute to it. What we need to remember is that rage is a reaction--neither a cause nor an action. We all know that every action causes a reaction. Every cause has an effect. And we know that regardless of what that cause and action are, we control our reactions and effects. We choose our response.

We all get angry. We all have hot buttons that someone’s going to push. We know that, too.
What we need to decide is how we’re going to react to having our hot-buttons pushed. We can react negatively--whether it’s firing off a nasty email filled with half-truths or taking a swing at the person offending us--or constructively--whether it’s holding our tongues and promising ourselves we won’t treat others unfairly or we’ll use that anger to build a better mousetrap.

I study a fair amount on abuse; you guys know that. I have for over thirty years. One thing that abusers often say to their victims is, “You made me hurt you.” That or they tell others, “S/he made me do it.”

Definitely improperly channeled anger there. The abuser got angry. S/he chose to hurt, to do it, and we’re all too familiar with the horrific forms “it” can take.

So when you’re writing characters, and in living your own life, understand that anger is normal. Even the most disciplined and most holy get angry. God got angry, and He’s got supernatural powers. We’re mere mortals. So it isn’t that we should fight to not feel the emotion, anger. It’s that we should exercise self-control and channel that anger constructively.

Constructive channeling. Now that’s a valuable weapon when living in an age of rage...

Blessings,

Vicki

Tags: anger, rage, abuse, hurt, choices, channeling anger, constructive anger, destructive anger, characterization, author, writer, novelist, books, reading, writing, writers' library, vicki hinze

CHILD EXPLOITATION/PROTECTION

I posted an article on Child Exploitation with a link to a very insightful and informative article by author, Liam Jackson.

Then I discovered that one must be a member of myspace.com to read said article by way of that link. So I emailed Liam and asked for his permission to reprint his article. He graciously agreed.

Because this is such a significant issue, and because the pain of bearing the challenge falls on the littlest victims, I’ve made it a permanent part of my site. Go to: www.vickihinze.com and click on Child Protection and you’ll find all the information Liam offers and his complete article.

If you’re a member at myspace, consider befriending the two organizations mentioned (their org logos are pictured above)--and befriending Liam Jackson. His myspace url is: http://www.myspace.com/liammjackson

Blessings,

Vicki




Child Exploitation:
The Eternal War Between Sheepdogs and Wolves
©2007, Liam Jackson

Well met, pilgrims!

Recently, I met a new MySpace friend, "Rock Against Child Pornography. (RACP)." It was my good fortune to have tripped over them in the great expanse of cyber space. RACP is an awareness group consisting of musicians and others, working to raise the profile of this horrendous crime against children.

It was a timely encounter in that several MySpace folk have recently been engaged in a fascinating discussion about "wolves and sheepdogs" in Dr. Kevin Keough's MySpace blog. Sheepdogs (educators, cops, firefighters, medical pros, and many private citizens) have long held a protective affinity for children, a group with few natural defenses against the sexual predator. The problem of child exploitation is one of staggering proportions. It spans the globe with a mind-numbing, intricate network, supported technically and financially by a clandestine army of like-minded sexual deviants.


Sound like an exaggeration? According to federal law enforcement and agencies like The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, child internet porn is a MULTI-BILLION dollar industry. This dollar figure doesn't even factor in the underground magazine market and video industries.

The graph below chronicles the work of Project Predator, a joint effort led by Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and involves numerous other state and local law enforcement agencies. An impressive body of work for 12 months, perhaps... until one considers the full scope of this problem. The cases below do not include the hundreds of cases handled independently by various local, county, state, and other **federal police agencies. (**i.e. FBI ) Nor do they reflect the thousands of cases worked each year by international multi-jurisdictional task forces.


Advocacy groups like RACP play a significant role in drawing attention to issues such as child exploitation. I would ask that you make a stand on behalf of our children, and support this effort or another like it. Your actions could result in the single most important contribution to the safety and well-being of a child.

Thanks for your time.

Liam

'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing.' — Edmund Burke



Contact info
Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section
Criminal Division
U.S. Department of Justice
1331 F Street NW, 6th Floor
Washington DC 20004
Phone: 202-514-5780
www.usdoj.gov/criminal/ceos/
The Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section (CEOS) of the Criminal Division, U.S. Department of Justice, has supervisory responsibility for Federal statutes covering obscenity, child exploitation, child sexual abuse, activities under the Mann Act, sex tourism, missing and abducted children, and child support recovery.

Innocent Images National Initiative
Federal Bureau of Investigation
www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/innocent.htm
The Innocent Images National Initiative (IINI), a component of the FBI's Cyber Crimes Program, is an intelligence-driven, proactive, multi-agency investigative initiative to combat the proliferation of child pornography/child sexual exploitation facilitated by an online computer.

ICE Cyber Crimes Center
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
Toll-free: 1-866-DHS-2ICE
/www.ice.gov/graphics/investigations/services/cyberbranch.htm

U.S. Postal Inspection Service
Inspection Service Operations Support Group
222 S. Riverside Plaza, Suite 1250
Chicago, IL 60606-6100
www.usps.com/postalinspectors/kid-porn.htm

For additional support agencies and statistical information, see:
http://vachss.com/help_text/report_child_porn.html




2007 Criminal Cases

Alexandria, VA Leesburg Man Sentenced to 120 Months for Child Pornography and Firearms Offenses
Baltimore, MD Western Maryland man sentenced to 50 years for sexually exploiting minor girls to produce pornography
Ft Pierce, FL Former CBS Sports technician pleads guilty to enticing a child to engage in sexual activity following an investigation by ICE and the St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office
Coeur D'Alene, Idaho Idaho man charged with attempted sexual abuse
New York City, NY ICE arrests 22 sex offenders in New York City operation
Takoma, WA Washington State man sentenced on child pornography charges
Cleveland, OH Cleveland-area machine operator sentenced to 15 years in prison for crimes involving child pornography
Los Angeles, CA Two California schoolteachers arrested in ICE-led multi-agency child pornography probe
Birmingham, AL Alabastor predator sentenced to 17.5 years in prison following ICE investigation
Portland, OR Oregon Man Sentenced to Five Years in Federal Prison for Possession of Child Pornography
Portland, OR Child pornographer from Oregon gets 18-year prison sentence
Caguas, Puerto Rico ICE arrests Puerto Rican man for possession, receipt and production of child pornography
Detroit, MI Retired Florida truck driver sentenced to 9 years in prison for "sex tourism"
New York, NY U.S. arrests employee of the National Children's Museum on charges of child pornography distribution
San Juan, PR ICE arrests Puerto Rican man for possession and distribution of child porn
Chicago, IL Chicago Catholic priest facing federal charge alleging sexual abuse of minor boy
San Francisco, CA Belmont man sentenced to 10 years on myriad of child pornography charges
Pensacola, FL Pensacola predator sentenced to 120 months following ICE investigation
New Haven, CT Man who victimized boys sentenced to more than 27 years in federal prison
Dayton, OH Dayton-area pediatrician arrested on child pornography charges
Chicago, IL Elgin man sentenced to 60 years for sexually exploiting a 12-year-old
Louisville, KY ICE agents arrest Louisville man on child pornography charges
Braintree, MA ICE and Massachusetts police arrest fugitive wanted for distributing child pornography
Albany, NY ICE seeks former detective accused of distributing child pornography
Louisville, KY Louisville man pleads guilty to child pornography charges
Louisville, KY Louisville man arrested on child pornography charges
Louisville, KY Child pornography crime conviction results in almost 6-year prison term
Spokane, WA Former university employee sentenced on child pornography charges
Los Angeles, CA 3 arrested for child pornography possession by ICE and LAPD
Springfield, IL Springfield man working as clown charged with sex tourism, child pornography
Detroit, MI Macomb County man pleads guilty to manufacturing, distributing child porn
Anchorage, AK Anchorage man pleads guilty to federal obscenity charges
San Antonio, TX San Antonio resident sentenced to 7½ years in prison for purchasing child porn
Shreveport, LA St. Louis predator sentenced to 30 years in jail for attempted child exploitation and possessing child pornography
Chicago, IL ICE arrests 9 foreign-born sex offenders in overnight operation
Peoria, IL Former Peoria fire captain gets 11 years for possessing child pornography
Santa Ana, CA Former U.S. aid agency contractor charged with having sexual contact with boy while working in Bangladesh
Chicago, IL Former Chicago school principal gets 20 years in prison for child pornography
Anchorage, AK ICE investigation of online predator leads to indictment of Illinois mans
Anchorage, AK California man indicted in Alaska on charges of aggravated sexual abuse
Alpine, TX ICE arrests Fort Stockton man on child pornography charges
Las Vegas, NV Pahrump middle school teacher charged with possessing child pornography
Sacramento, CA Shasta County man pleads guilty to producing and possessing child pornography, including graphic image of his underage daughter
Philadelphia, PA New Jersey man convicted in sex tourism case
Fort Worth, TX Former children's respiratory therapist sentenced to 45 years for molesting incapacitated patients
Portland, OR Oregon delivery truck driver sentenced to ten years for possession of child pornography
Fresno, CA Former University of California employee sentenced to more than 11 years in prison for receiving and possessing child pornography

San Deigo, CA Former children's respiratory therapist sentenced to 45 years for molesting incapacitated patients

New York, NY Six sex offenders nabbed by ICE in Westchester County
Hammond, IN Former girls basketball coach found guilty of soliciting minors on the Internet
Fresno, CA Salida grade school janitor arrested on Internet child pornography charges
Tacoma, WA Pierce County man pleads guilty to possession of child pornography
San Juan, PR Puerto Rican man sentenced to six years in federal prison for possession of child porn
Alexandria, VA Leesburg, Va., man indicted on child pornography and weapons charges
Bloomington, MN ICE deports man who sexually assaulted 3-year-old at daycare
Nogales, AZ Child molester sentenced to more than 6,000 years in prison
Miami, FL Grand juries indict first two South Florida cases charging violation of Adam Walsh Act
Cleveland, OH Ohio fugitive sentenced to 22 years for child pornography
San Juan, PR Puerto Rican pre-school teacher sentenced to serve a three-year prison term following ICE investigation
San Deigo, CA Respiratory therapist at Children's Hospital pleads guilty to molesting incapacitated patients
Detroit, MI Registered Michigan sex offender sentenced to 27 months for transmitting threats to teens
Dayton, OH Truck driver sentenced to 17 years for child sexual exploitation
Washington, DC ICE Operation Predator arrests of child exploiters top 10,000
El Paso, TX ICE special agents arrest convicted child sex offender
Oakland, CA Son of Newark day care operator sentenced to eight years for receiving child pornography
Salt Lake City, UT St. George man sentenced to more than seven years for possession of child pornography following national ICE probe
Atlanta, GA Jury finds Gainesville anesthesiologist guilty on child porn charges
Detroit, MI Detroit man sentenced to 60 months in prison for distributing child pornography
El Paso, TX ICE special agents arrest convicted child predator, process him for deportation
Springfield, IL Springfield woman sentenced to 13 years in prison for trading child porn
Des Moines, IA Iowa man gets 30 years in prison for producing child pornography
Minneapolis, MN Burnsville man sentenced to 750 years in federal prison on child pornography charges
San Antonio, TX Kerrville doctor indicted for possessing child pornography
Orchard Park, NY Orchard Park man arrested on child pornography charges
Spokane, WA Eastern Washington man sentenced to 70 months on child pornography charges
San Juan, PR Puerto Rican sex offender sentenced to four years imprisonment following ICE investigation
San Juan, PR Predator sentenced to 20 years for possession and production of child porn
San Jose, CA Former Peace Corps volunteer sentenced to more than four years for sexually abusing a minor while serving in Costa Rica
Los Angeles, CA Orange County firefighter sentenced to eight years in federal prison for possessing child pornography
Denver, CO Fort Collins man charged with transporting child pornography
Tucson, AZ Sierra Vista man sentenced to 14 years in prison on child pornography charges stemming from ICE probe
San Francisco, CA Bay Area man sentenced to more than five years on child sex tourism charges
Houston, TX A Dallas-area man is charged federally with attempting to entice a child
Cleveland, OH Retired 36-year minister sentenced to 17 years for child pornography
San Juan, PR ICE arrests Puerto Rican for possession of child pornography
New Haven, CT Bristol man pleads guilty to possession of child pornography
New Haven, CT Man sentenced to prison for illegally re-entering the U.S. after twice being deported to Mexico
Houston, TX Distributing child pornography nets Hockley man 17-year prison term
Los Angeles, CA Ex-law enforcement official sentenced to prison for possession of one million child pornography images
Louisville, KY Repeat sex offender gets 14 years in prison following child porn conviction
Fresno, CA Former Tulare County sheriff's deputy sentenced to eight years for receiving child pornography over the Internet
Ft. Pierce, FL Las Vegas couple arrested on charges of Internet child enticement following ICE and St. Lucie County undercover investigation
Salt Lake City, UT ICE arrests 12 foreign national child sex predators in Salt Lake City area
Portland, OR ICE investigation of online predators leads to arrest of husband and wife
Dayton, OH Kettering man sentenced to 10 years in prison for transmitting child pornography over the Internet
Seattle, WA Washington driver license scheme gets state employee prison time
Wilmington, DE ICE partners with the U.S. Attorney's Office and New Castle County Police to combat foreign gangs and child predators
El Paso, TX El Paso man sentenced to 10 years for possessing child pornography
Cleveland,OH Las Vegas man pleads guilty to sex tourism

Springfield, IL Two Springfield men receive significant prison sentences for trading child porn

Birmingham, AL Alabama man sentenced to more than 15 years incarceration after pleading guilty to possession and distribution of child pornography

Cleveland,OH Las Vegas man pleads guilty to sex tourism

Arlington, VA Arlington youth coach arrested on child pornography charges

San Francisco, CA Belmont man pleads guilty to ten counts of transporting, receiving, and possessing child pornography

Detroit, MI Retired realtor pleads guilty to producing, receiving child pornography

Los Angeles, CA Ex-Marine captain charged with having sex with pre-teen girls in Cambodia

Ann Arbor, MI Truck Driver Sentenced to 10 Years for Possessing Child Pornography

San Juan, PR Puerto Rican Man Sentenced on Federal Child Pornography Charges Following ICE Investigation

Boston, MA Three Massachusetts men indicted as part of nationwide investigation of internet child pornography trade

Alexandria, VA Arlington youth coach arrested on child pornography charges

Cleveland, OH Retired 36-year minister pleads guilty to possessing child pornography

San Juan, PR Puerto Rican predator sentenced to serve a two-year prison term following ICE investigation

Fresno, CA Former youth softball coach sentenced to more than 24 years for receiving and distributing child pornography

Los Angeles, CA Orange County firefighter convicted of receiving and possessing child pornography following ICE probe

Milwaukee, WI Kenosha man indicted for arranging sex with 8-year-old girl

Detroit, MI Retired realtor indicted for producing and possessing child pornography

San Juan, PR Puerto Rican man sentenced to 15 years for possession and production of child porn

Washington, DC Virginia man pleads guilty to producing and possessing child pornography

Fargo, ND Moorhead man sentenced to 10 years for possessing child porn

Fresno, CA Orangevale man sentenced to more than six years for possessing child pornography and using the Internet to solicit sex with a minor

(on the website (www.vickihinze.com under child protection, each of the above cases listed is a link to that case...)

In Memory

STEALING JOY

WHEN OTHERS FEED ON HURTING YOU
CONTROL YOU


We all have our soft underbelly; the one we avoid confrontation with whenever possible. We’ve been there before, and we know how much it hurts.

Whether we call it someone stabbing us in the back, stepping on our toes or driving nails through our hearts, we get the feeling, and we’ve dealt with the many side-effects.

Joy, like life itself, is a fragile thing. And it seems we’re all blessed (or cursed) with at least one person in our lives who is hellbent on making sure that they steal ours. Whenever things are going well, or even when we’re in an unsettled state but we’re cooping well and still finding joy in our lives, in comes that person to steal our joy and make us miserable.
Maybe the thief isn’t getting enough attention. Maybe s/he’s secretly unhappy and can’t stand the sight of anyone else being joyful in their imperfect life. Maybe s/he thrives on upset. Or feels that tearing others down builds them up. It could be the thief is a control freak and feels threatened by you, so s/he makes it his or her business to not let you be too happy to keep you humble. Or the thief could just not give a damn. So what if you’re hurt? It’s not his or her fault if what s/he wants negatively impacts you. Or--and this is the worst possible case, of course--the thief takes joy in deliberately hurting you and stealing your joy.

Yes, sad as it is to say, there really are people who thrive and blossom and find happiness in making other people miserable. Particularly people, who for one reason or the other, don’t like them.

When someone steals your joy once, you’re inclined to be forgiving and consider it an accident. But what if the thief does this over and again? Always at significant moments, or over events that are significant and meaningful to you? What do you do then? How do you cope?

OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT. When you’re on the receiving end of joy stealing, being objective is all but impossible. Still, we have to do our best or remain a victim.

Try to determine why the thief is stealing your joy. Only when you grasp their motivation can you deal with the problem constructively.

UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. In these type situations, most often there’s something at risk. Something that puts you between the rock and the hard place. Whether it’s your job, your reputation, or someone you love. And you have to understand that cause-and-effect, action-and-reaction is hard at work.

So think through scenarios. If the thief does this, you do that, where does that leave you?
What do you have at stake and are you willing to lose it?

Sometimes being the victim doesn’t enable you to avoid the penalty. You’re caught in an emotional blackmail or hostage-type situation. When the thief does this, anything you do results in the loss of x. So before you do anything, you need to understand and accept that you well might lose. Are you willing to live with that loss?

CONFRONTATION. We typically hate it. Some of us are better at it, more diplomatic, less emotional than others, but normal, healthy and stable people don’t relish confrontation or conflict or the upset both carry along with it.
Yet when our joy is being stolen, we have little choice. We can step up and deal with the confrontation or allow ourselves to be victims and robbed of joy.

One or the other. We must choose. And we must live with our choices.

They’re never easy ones because of what is at stake and the risks of what we can lose. More often than not, it means a great deal to us or the thief wouldn’t be trying to steal it. So we must weigh the situation carefully and then choose.

CONSEQUENCES. As unpleasant as confrontation and conflict is, if we’re able to work through it and come out a better place, it’s worth the effort. Whether or not we’re able to get to that better place isn’t just our choice. The thief gets a vote, too. And when s/he weighs in, that vote can take many forms. Anger, denial, outrage, justification, the false attribution of motives that are supposedly yours that are alien to you--any or all of those reactions are as apt to arise as a peaceful, imperfect solution to the problem or even a resolution with which you can be at peace.

The consequences could be alienation, distance, separation or divorce. The loss of the job. The loss of a loved one.
Steep consequences are possible. Very possible because reason and logic are skewed by emotions in these situations and because our perspectives are a complex network of experiences and events--some of which are related to our interactions with the joy stealer and some that go beyond that relationship and into other areas of our lives. Things that happened with other people, back when we were kids. Professional things. Personal things.

The sum of all our experiences shape our perspective and the lens through which we see the thief and the joy s/he steals.

CONTROL. The bottom line is that we can’t control others’ actions. We can only control our reactions to their actions.
We can choose to confront or withdraw. To accept or distance ourselves from the thief. To try--often for the umpteenth time--to be blunt and honest with the thief, about the pain they’re inflicting in the hope that they will choose not to deliberately hurt us again. Or we can accept that the thief, regardless of motivation, is going to continue to hurt us and steal our joy and walk away.

In the end, we choose how much control and power over us we give the thief.

It is rarely an easy choice. Rarely simple or free from many shades of gray.

It is seldom a choice we look forward to making or one we wanted to be placed in the position of having to make. Yet if we do not, then doing nothing--willingly being the victim--does nothing to resolve the joy-stealing, only adds baggage to it.
So we assess the situation, no matter how much we wish we didn’t have to do it.

We understand the stakes, no matter how much we wish we never had to put things this dear to us at stake.
We endure the confrontation, even if it makes us sick for days or weeks afterward and our hearts yearn for peace.
We steel ourselves and accept the consequences for the course of action we’ve chosen to take, even if enacting it brings certain grief and mourning.

We control ourselves, our actions, making hard choices because we know that while avoiding them would be easier, living with avoiding them would not.

And we endure this, suffer through the upsets and losses we incur stopping the thief because when we look at life, its fragility and brevity--we are here but a moment--we know this truth:

If we are living without joy, we are already dead.

And that penalty is far too costly to pay. ❧

Blessings,

Vicki

Vicki Hinze
c2006