READ ARTICLE
bliss, direction, guidance, self-help, self-improvement, career strategy, vicki hinze, Vicki Hinze, Writers Zone, career
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-help. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2009
FOLLOW YOUR BLISS
READ ARTICLE
bliss, direction, guidance, self-help, self-improvement, career strategy, vicki hinze, Vicki Hinze, Writers Zone, career
Thursday, August 27, 2009
SUCCESS: BEN FRANKLIN STYLE!
I've just uploaded a new feature article on SUCCESS: BEN FRANKLIN STYLE!
If you'd like to read it, click HERE.
Blessings,
Vicki
VICKI HINZE
www.vickihinze.com
Kill Zone, 7/09
FORGET ME NOT, 3/10
success, Benjamin Franklin, virtues, keys to success, vicki hinze, vickihinze, writers zone, writers library, self-help, self-improvement, writers, authors, novelists, creative writing, characterization, character, personal growth
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
THE POWER OF PAUSE
Learn to pause ... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you.
-Doug King
A few days ago, an author friend who was judging a writing competition asked me, when I’m judging, what challenge I most often see in writers’ work. I didn’t have to pause or stop to think about it and immediately answered, “Rushing.”
I then went on to explain. We write, and when we do, we translate the images that we see in our heads onto the page--or we intend to, but often important details get dropped in the transfer. Because we’re rushing to finish in the allotted time, or to get the work submitted, or read or critiqued, we don’t let the work cool long enough--and allow our minds to get occupied with other images sufficiently--so that the images we held during the creation process are dulled by time and/or distance.
So we read the work--read it again several more times--and consider it done. And then months later, we return to the work to see that what is on the page doesn’t sufficiently convey what we saw in our minds during creation.
But it’s too late. We had the critique, the reading--the work has been submitted. And now we wish it hadn’t because we see flaws that we wish we’d first corrected. Fuzzy details instead of sharp, crisp and vivid ones. We see that what is actually on the page isn’t nearly as strong as it could have been. And so we edit, honing the work, fine-tuning it to eliminate the flaws.
The problem is it’s too late to get a first impression through our normal channels. It’s been done. So now we must rely on second impressions and resubmissions, and those can’t be as strong as the first. We can’t recapture that initial burst of enthusiasm, or that sensation by others that what we’ve done is fresh and different because it isn’t--they’ve seen it and experienced it before--from us.
So the drawbacks of rushing are significant. The penalties are steep and the benefit is that if we do this once and recognize it, we might just slow down long enough to not make that same mistake again.
I can hear you say, “But I don’t have a choice. I have deadlines. I have to get this puppy submitted so that I can start the next book.”
To that, I say, “When you invest in writing a book, it should reflect your best. After all, you’ve traded time with your family, time doing other things that are important to you in creating it. If you’ve made those sacrifices, then doesn’t that warrant a complete project that is your very best? Isn’t your time--your life--worth your best?
Remember that writing isn’t all about mechanics and craft. It’s about art, too. And creating something from nothing that will transport readers into a story and embrace them so they live and experience it is art at its best.
How long does it take for those images to fade, so that what you’ve written matches the vision in your mind when you were creating? That’s a question only you can answer. For some, it’s brief. For others, it takes months. The time you’ve put into the work can be a factor. If, for example, you’ve been working on the project for six months straight, it’s going to take a while. If you’ve worked on it and other projects simultaneously, likely it won’t take as long. That splintered focus will aid you in this.
The bottom line is that you need to let the project cool long enough for you to forget the little details. You’ll likely remember a good deal about the characters and plot, but you’ll forget snippets or how A led to B. You’ll know that sufficient time has passed by reading the work. It will seem familiar and yet strange, too.
Will what you’ve written on the page ever equal the vision inside your head? Doubtful, if I’m a decent gauge. I’ve been writing twenty years and I’ve yet to do it. But when I’ve built in cooling periods and utilized them, I get a lot closer. I hope you will, too.
Blessings,
Vicki
-Doug King
A few days ago, an author friend who was judging a writing competition asked me, when I’m judging, what challenge I most often see in writers’ work. I didn’t have to pause or stop to think about it and immediately answered, “Rushing.”
I then went on to explain. We write, and when we do, we translate the images that we see in our heads onto the page--or we intend to, but often important details get dropped in the transfer. Because we’re rushing to finish in the allotted time, or to get the work submitted, or read or critiqued, we don’t let the work cool long enough--and allow our minds to get occupied with other images sufficiently--so that the images we held during the creation process are dulled by time and/or distance.
So we read the work--read it again several more times--and consider it done. And then months later, we return to the work to see that what is on the page doesn’t sufficiently convey what we saw in our minds during creation.
But it’s too late. We had the critique, the reading--the work has been submitted. And now we wish it hadn’t because we see flaws that we wish we’d first corrected. Fuzzy details instead of sharp, crisp and vivid ones. We see that what is actually on the page isn’t nearly as strong as it could have been. And so we edit, honing the work, fine-tuning it to eliminate the flaws.
The problem is it’s too late to get a first impression through our normal channels. It’s been done. So now we must rely on second impressions and resubmissions, and those can’t be as strong as the first. We can’t recapture that initial burst of enthusiasm, or that sensation by others that what we’ve done is fresh and different because it isn’t--they’ve seen it and experienced it before--from us.
So the drawbacks of rushing are significant. The penalties are steep and the benefit is that if we do this once and recognize it, we might just slow down long enough to not make that same mistake again.
I can hear you say, “But I don’t have a choice. I have deadlines. I have to get this puppy submitted so that I can start the next book.”
To that, I say, “When you invest in writing a book, it should reflect your best. After all, you’ve traded time with your family, time doing other things that are important to you in creating it. If you’ve made those sacrifices, then doesn’t that warrant a complete project that is your very best? Isn’t your time--your life--worth your best?
Remember that writing isn’t all about mechanics and craft. It’s about art, too. And creating something from nothing that will transport readers into a story and embrace them so they live and experience it is art at its best.
How long does it take for those images to fade, so that what you’ve written matches the vision in your mind when you were creating? That’s a question only you can answer. For some, it’s brief. For others, it takes months. The time you’ve put into the work can be a factor. If, for example, you’ve been working on the project for six months straight, it’s going to take a while. If you’ve worked on it and other projects simultaneously, likely it won’t take as long. That splintered focus will aid you in this.
The bottom line is that you need to let the project cool long enough for you to forget the little details. You’ll likely remember a good deal about the characters and plot, but you’ll forget snippets or how A led to B. You’ll know that sufficient time has passed by reading the work. It will seem familiar and yet strange, too.
Will what you’ve written on the page ever equal the vision inside your head? Doubtful, if I’m a decent gauge. I’ve been writing twenty years and I’ve yet to do it. But when I’ve built in cooling periods and utilized them, I get a lot closer. I hope you will, too.
Blessings,
Vicki
Thursday, April 05, 2007
FAILING YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions."
-- Aung San Suu Kyi
No less than three times in as many days have I had a writer tell me:
1. She was afraid to submit her work because as soon as she did, she’d read a group of things she’d done wrong and wish she hadn’t and she couldn’t be sure she was ready.
2. He hadn’t submitted his work because he didn’t think he could stand getting back a rejection.
3. She submitted her work and then contacted the individual and pulled the submission.
If as a writer, you’re waiting for a time to come when you don’t see changes you need to make or ones you wish you’d made AFTER the submission, consider your experience an oddity. Epiphanies have a way of sneaking in and zapping us after the fact. Recognize that it’s normal and happens more often than not. Note it and when the opportunity arises, edit and incorporate.
As a writer, you continually seek to grow and master your craft. Because you do, you will encounter this challenge--and if you aren’t, you’re either very, very lucky or you’re not studying craft and continuing to grow. Warning: that leads to stagnation, and stagnant things die!
I’ve been in this business nineteen years and I don’t think I’ve ever been sure a project was ready to submit. Yes, I know I love them. Yes, I do allow them to cool to make sure what I think is conveyed on the page is conveyed on the page. Yes, I do strive to submit only my best work. And I have enjoyed many bubbles in the gut that shout, “oh, this is strong. This really works.” But to feel that there is nothing--not one word--that could be changed to make the work stronger?
If I ever get there, believe me, I’ll be broadcasting it, so you’ll know. So far, this has escaped me. Which is one of the best reasons to solicit outside readers. It’s true that many projects are submitted too soon--before they’re polished and splendidly shine. By having a couple others read the work and getting their reactions, you will get a cross-section of responses.
Vary these readers. One who loves to read this type book. One who is familiar with the subject matter in the book. One who is sharp on writing craft and construction and novel structure and characterization and mechanics. Barter. I’ll read and comment if you’ll read and comment (with another writer).
On rejection. Understand that if you’re a writer, you will be rejected. Not you, the person. Your work. Accept it and then press on. I know only two writers who haven’t received--and I mean all during their career no matter how high up on the career ladder they’ve gotten--rejections. And both have multiple readings and edits before their work is ever submitted. I know no one who has penned the perfect book.
This is why we create and then edit and edit and edit. We’re striving for the best we’re capable of producing at the time. Then we have others read and we shove (or smother) our egos, hear and listen to what they have to say. What we agree best serves the story, we incorporate. Only what we agree best serves the story do we incorporate.
Often agents ask for revisions. Then editors suggest revisions. Then copyeditors ask for more. Often more than once!
So do strive for perfection, but don’t expect that your perfection is perfect. Others will see things you miss. Know things you don’t know. Catch mistakes that save the book, save your backside, and sometimes they’ll save your hair--spare you from pulling it out by the roots in frustration.
Develop rhino hide, understand that revision recommendations are given for a single purpose: to strengthen the book. Everyone involved in the process (and no one more than the author) wants the strongest book possible.
Rejection might not be about the work, but about what best sells to the readers. Marketability. List balance. Suitability. House focus and/or direction. A million other things. The point: it’s not about you. And it might not be about the work. It might be connected to strengthening the salability of the book.
Writers get rejections. That’s what happens when they submit, stretch and grow and experiment and make all manner of effort. This is not a bad thing and it rarely has spit to do with the author so it should never be taken personally.
There are times and situations in which a writer pulls a submission. Shoot, there are times when an author contracts a book and then buys the book back. But this isn’t something you want to do or something you do without considering all aspects of it and the consequences. Tread lightly.
Remember, first impressions are just that. One-shot deals. You don’t get a second chance. So if you must pull a submission, make sure it’s for an excellent reason and that you don’t make a habit of it. And be wary of the second-guessing trap. It’s easy to talk yourself into thinking something is awful and unfit--especially if it’s a purpose-driven novel. If you must do this, be extremely judicious. And it goes without saying to do all you can to make sure you’re ready to submit before you do so initially.
It takes courage to put yourself out there. If you do so with a realistic view on potential, then you’re in a far better position to cope with the results. Understand what rejection is and isn’t. Understand that continued grow nearly promises you’ll have post-submission epiphanies. And understand that the best way to avoid having to pull a submission is by doing the necessary work and expending the effort before submitting.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007, Vicki Hinze
Return to Vicki’s main web site
Visit Vicki’s Writing Library
Thursday, February 01, 2007
MISTAKES WE MAKE: PART 11
KNOWING WHAT WE NEED #4
NURTURING
We learn from the cradle to be considerate of others. To be compassionate. Sympathetic. To care about things beyond ourselves and not be self-absorbed, selfish. We’re taught to be modest and humble and meek. Not to boast or brag, not to act superior to others and to be tolerant of our differences and respectful toward others and their belongings--and that includes their dreams and goals and desires.
Some of us learned these character traits and social skills from parents and/or other authority figures when we were young and thinking in this way comes natural.
Some of us had parents/authority figures that were clueless and that condemned us to learning these traits and skills via the school of hard knocks and attrition. Treat others shabbily or without respect for them and their aspirations and they exit your presence as speedily as their feet can carry them.
A few of us are hardheaded and insist on being self-absorbed and self-centered and usually end up lonely or trapped in a life full of strife that is of their own making.
But by the time we become adults, most of us have become apt students of these character traits and social skills. Some of course are better at it than others. To gauge, ask yourself what your peace ratio is. If there’s little peace in your life and little contentment in your work, you’ve likely spent too little time looking outward and too little time looking inward attuned to becoming a more balanced human being. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you can do to make someone else’s world a little better. That will always lift you up. Then ask yourself what peace means to you and that will give you the key to create it in your life.
As adults, most of us have matured and found a balance that serves us well during the course of our lives. And yet, if only at times, we find ourselves exhausted, mentally or physically or emotionally, and creating anything worthy of our time--again, your time is your life and not to be squandered--is almost impossible.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I say to ourselves because even if an outside influence is the instigator, we choose to allow it, and that means ultimately it is our responsibility.
In part, the reason goes back to the root of the teachings. If we want respect, we must earn it. If we want less conflict in our relationships, we have to work at better, gentler communications. We have to tamp our temper, bite our tongue and not consider confrontation essential to conflict resolution.
Think back to your last conflict with your spouse or someone who matters. Do you even remember what it was about? At the time, did you just have to beat a point to death to make sure you were heard and prove you were right? In five years, will being right matter? In this conflict, who won? Did it change something significant? Was it worth the energy expended in it?
I’m not advocating playing ostrich. I am advocating to blow off the little things, because odds are that was the nature of the conflict. Something is said. It irritates. And one or the other snaps off a heated response and the battle is in full swing. An hour later, often neither can say exactly what started it--they just kind of fell into it. It’s those conflicts that we need to develop patience and insight to ignore. Choose your battles carefully. Fight only the ones worth fighting.
In the work, the same principle applies. Say you got back the copy edits from hell. You could rant and/or rave. But you’re still going to have to go through the edits and make sure the copy is as you want it. So why not skip the energy waste and just do that. STET what you feel should be. Justify the major points. But if you approach those edits from the perspective of keeping every single word exactly as you had it, then you’re looking at them from a skewed perspective that well might have your ego/temper STETing an error the copyeditor caught that could save you embarrassment or have a book with an unnecessary flaw.
Fight the fights worth fighting, but you don’t have to fully engage in every potential battle. Life is often like a minefield because everyone has issues and emotions. Do you really want to step on every single mine? Won’t save a lot of time for anything else. Choose not to engage, unless it really matters to you.
My point in all of the above was to say that we become apt students and embrace these character traits and social skills to others, and that’s good. But far, far too often, we don’t extend them to ourselves. And that is not good.
Nurture your dreams, goals and desires. Give to yourself that which you would give someone else. Just an equal share. That doesn’t make you self-indulgent or self-serving. It means that your respect yourself and your dreams, goals and desires--your creations.
This fills your personal well. And it is only when your personal well is filled that you have the resources needed and necessary to reach out to others. Without resentment, without remorse, without regret, and without worry that you’ll give and suffer not having enough yourself.
Remember the need for a positive environment and all the reasons it is important and make the connection that without nurturing you don’t have the emotional resources, and therefore the emotional stability, to think with clarity. To create to your potential.
We’re human. And when we’re lacking, we suffer the effects of the lack. Those that are evident and those that aren’t apparent to the naked eye. Think of it in terms of an infant and milk. If a baby doesn’t get sufficient milk, s/he is underweight, hungry, cranky and catches every single thing that comes along. Those things are pretty evident. But the hidden effects are equal, just not visible--yet. Among the challenges are weak teeth and bones. Those might not become evident for a while, but they will become evident.
Well, the same is true for us. If we don’t get sufficient milk (nurturing) our emotional and spiritual aspects are impacted and those impact our physical aspect. We all pay the piper.
We’re human and impacted in another regard as well. When something is grating at us, it is that we dwell on. That which gets our attention, and often in a negative way. Often in a seek-someone--anyone but us--to blame way.
We tell ourselves, “When am I supposed to exercise? If my husband would take care of the baby for an hour in the morning, I’d walk. But he can’t or won’t. It’s his fault I don’t exercise. I can’t do it.”
Now if our desire to exercise were strong, we’d buy or borrow a Baby Bjorn or fashion a sling or grab a stroller and walk with the baby. We’d find a way--if we wanted to walk badly enough.
The same holds true in our writing. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve been told, “I’m going to write a book when I have time,” or “I would love to write, but I don’t have time. I work full-time.”
Many, many writers work full-time. Many are parents of small children. Many are the head in a single parent household. Many don’t own a computer so they type on a typewriter--or write in longhand and at intervals go to the public library to type what they’ve written.
If you want to write, you will. It’s that simple, and that complex. To increase your odds for doing what you want, do what you can to create the right, positive environment to attract what you want to you: nurture others, but also nurture yourself. Your potential and goals, dreams and desires are depending on it--and you need it.
Now what if your pursuit to attain these things we’re discussing generates conflict in your relationships. It certainly can because others are accustomed to you doing the bending, the giving, the fllexing required to make things happen. If you change, and things become more balanced for you, then whomever is slacking is going to have to step up. They’re not going to like it.
But that isn’t your problem. You can’t control their actions or their responses. You can’t control their words or their tempers. You can and must control your own. Calmly state your rationale and then do what you must do. Listen to feedback--ears and mind open--and if you can compromise (remember, choose your battles) then do so. But don’t forfeit because if you do, resentment is going to rub you raw and keep you raw and then everyone gets to be miserable.
The best you can do is to be honest, straightforward and clear that this specifically is something you need. Need. And then hang tough during the transition until you too are getting what you need. Change isn’t easy or painless, but it is necessary and when all settle in, then you too are more content. And when you are, then you’re a bigger blessing to yourself and to those around you. So in the end, it’s a win/win situation, and we all know those are the best kind.
And that brings us to forgiving ourselves. Sounds easy but execution can be darned difficult. We’ll discuss that next time, in Part 12 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007. Vicki Hinze
NURTURING
We learn from the cradle to be considerate of others. To be compassionate. Sympathetic. To care about things beyond ourselves and not be self-absorbed, selfish. We’re taught to be modest and humble and meek. Not to boast or brag, not to act superior to others and to be tolerant of our differences and respectful toward others and their belongings--and that includes their dreams and goals and desires.
Some of us learned these character traits and social skills from parents and/or other authority figures when we were young and thinking in this way comes natural.
Some of us had parents/authority figures that were clueless and that condemned us to learning these traits and skills via the school of hard knocks and attrition. Treat others shabbily or without respect for them and their aspirations and they exit your presence as speedily as their feet can carry them.
A few of us are hardheaded and insist on being self-absorbed and self-centered and usually end up lonely or trapped in a life full of strife that is of their own making.
But by the time we become adults, most of us have become apt students of these character traits and social skills. Some of course are better at it than others. To gauge, ask yourself what your peace ratio is. If there’s little peace in your life and little contentment in your work, you’ve likely spent too little time looking outward and too little time looking inward attuned to becoming a more balanced human being. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you can do to make someone else’s world a little better. That will always lift you up. Then ask yourself what peace means to you and that will give you the key to create it in your life.
As adults, most of us have matured and found a balance that serves us well during the course of our lives. And yet, if only at times, we find ourselves exhausted, mentally or physically or emotionally, and creating anything worthy of our time--again, your time is your life and not to be squandered--is almost impossible.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I say to ourselves because even if an outside influence is the instigator, we choose to allow it, and that means ultimately it is our responsibility.
In part, the reason goes back to the root of the teachings. If we want respect, we must earn it. If we want less conflict in our relationships, we have to work at better, gentler communications. We have to tamp our temper, bite our tongue and not consider confrontation essential to conflict resolution.
Think back to your last conflict with your spouse or someone who matters. Do you even remember what it was about? At the time, did you just have to beat a point to death to make sure you were heard and prove you were right? In five years, will being right matter? In this conflict, who won? Did it change something significant? Was it worth the energy expended in it?
I’m not advocating playing ostrich. I am advocating to blow off the little things, because odds are that was the nature of the conflict. Something is said. It irritates. And one or the other snaps off a heated response and the battle is in full swing. An hour later, often neither can say exactly what started it--they just kind of fell into it. It’s those conflicts that we need to develop patience and insight to ignore. Choose your battles carefully. Fight only the ones worth fighting.
In the work, the same principle applies. Say you got back the copy edits from hell. You could rant and/or rave. But you’re still going to have to go through the edits and make sure the copy is as you want it. So why not skip the energy waste and just do that. STET what you feel should be. Justify the major points. But if you approach those edits from the perspective of keeping every single word exactly as you had it, then you’re looking at them from a skewed perspective that well might have your ego/temper STETing an error the copyeditor caught that could save you embarrassment or have a book with an unnecessary flaw.
Fight the fights worth fighting, but you don’t have to fully engage in every potential battle. Life is often like a minefield because everyone has issues and emotions. Do you really want to step on every single mine? Won’t save a lot of time for anything else. Choose not to engage, unless it really matters to you.
My point in all of the above was to say that we become apt students and embrace these character traits and social skills to others, and that’s good. But far, far too often, we don’t extend them to ourselves. And that is not good.
Nurture your dreams, goals and desires. Give to yourself that which you would give someone else. Just an equal share. That doesn’t make you self-indulgent or self-serving. It means that your respect yourself and your dreams, goals and desires--your creations.
This fills your personal well. And it is only when your personal well is filled that you have the resources needed and necessary to reach out to others. Without resentment, without remorse, without regret, and without worry that you’ll give and suffer not having enough yourself.
Remember the need for a positive environment and all the reasons it is important and make the connection that without nurturing you don’t have the emotional resources, and therefore the emotional stability, to think with clarity. To create to your potential.
We’re human. And when we’re lacking, we suffer the effects of the lack. Those that are evident and those that aren’t apparent to the naked eye. Think of it in terms of an infant and milk. If a baby doesn’t get sufficient milk, s/he is underweight, hungry, cranky and catches every single thing that comes along. Those things are pretty evident. But the hidden effects are equal, just not visible--yet. Among the challenges are weak teeth and bones. Those might not become evident for a while, but they will become evident.
Well, the same is true for us. If we don’t get sufficient milk (nurturing) our emotional and spiritual aspects are impacted and those impact our physical aspect. We all pay the piper.
We’re human and impacted in another regard as well. When something is grating at us, it is that we dwell on. That which gets our attention, and often in a negative way. Often in a seek-someone--anyone but us--to blame way.
We tell ourselves, “When am I supposed to exercise? If my husband would take care of the baby for an hour in the morning, I’d walk. But he can’t or won’t. It’s his fault I don’t exercise. I can’t do it.”
Now if our desire to exercise were strong, we’d buy or borrow a Baby Bjorn or fashion a sling or grab a stroller and walk with the baby. We’d find a way--if we wanted to walk badly enough.
The same holds true in our writing. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve been told, “I’m going to write a book when I have time,” or “I would love to write, but I don’t have time. I work full-time.”
Many, many writers work full-time. Many are parents of small children. Many are the head in a single parent household. Many don’t own a computer so they type on a typewriter--or write in longhand and at intervals go to the public library to type what they’ve written.
If you want to write, you will. It’s that simple, and that complex. To increase your odds for doing what you want, do what you can to create the right, positive environment to attract what you want to you: nurture others, but also nurture yourself. Your potential and goals, dreams and desires are depending on it--and you need it.
Now what if your pursuit to attain these things we’re discussing generates conflict in your relationships. It certainly can because others are accustomed to you doing the bending, the giving, the fllexing required to make things happen. If you change, and things become more balanced for you, then whomever is slacking is going to have to step up. They’re not going to like it.
But that isn’t your problem. You can’t control their actions or their responses. You can’t control their words or their tempers. You can and must control your own. Calmly state your rationale and then do what you must do. Listen to feedback--ears and mind open--and if you can compromise (remember, choose your battles) then do so. But don’t forfeit because if you do, resentment is going to rub you raw and keep you raw and then everyone gets to be miserable.
The best you can do is to be honest, straightforward and clear that this specifically is something you need. Need. And then hang tough during the transition until you too are getting what you need. Change isn’t easy or painless, but it is necessary and when all settle in, then you too are more content. And when you are, then you’re a bigger blessing to yourself and to those around you. So in the end, it’s a win/win situation, and we all know those are the best kind.
And that brings us to forgiving ourselves. Sounds easy but execution can be darned difficult. We’ll discuss that next time, in Part 12 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007. Vicki Hinze
MISTAKES WE MAKE: PART 11
KNOWING WHAT WE NEED #4
NURTURING
We learn from the cradle to be considerate of others. To be compassionate. Sympathetic. To care about things beyond ourselves and not be self-absorbed, selfish. We’re taught to be modest and humble and meek. Not to boast or brag, not to act superior to others and to be tolerant of our differences and respectful toward others and their belongings--and that includes their dreams and goals and desires.
Some of us learned these character traits and social skills from parents and/or other authority figures when we were young and thinking in this way comes natural.
Some of us had parents/authority figures that were clueless and that condemned us to learning these traits and skills via the school of hard knocks and attrition. Treat others shabbily or without respect for them and their aspirations and they exit your presence as speedily as their feet can carry them.
A few of us are hardheaded and insist on being self-absorbed and self-centered and usually end up lonely or trapped in a life full of strife that is of their own making.
But by the time we become adults, most of us have become apt students of these character traits and social skills. Some of course are better at it than others. To gauge, ask yourself what your peace ratio is. If there’s little peace in your life and little contentment in your work, you’ve likely spent too little time looking outward and too little time looking inward attuned to becoming a more balanced human being. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you can do to make someone else’s world a little better. That will always lift you up. Then ask yourself what peace means to you and that will give you the key to create it in your life.
As adults, most of us have matured and found a balance that serves us well during the course of our lives. And yet, if only at times, we find ourselves exhausted, mentally or physically or emotionally, and creating anything worthy of our time--again, your time is your life and not to be squandered--is almost impossible.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I say to ourselves because even if an outside influence is the instigator, we choose to allow it, and that means ultimately it is our responsibility.
In part, the reason goes back to the root of the teachings. If we want respect, we must earn it. If we want less conflict in our relationships, we have to work at better, gentler communications. We have to tamp our temper, bite our tongue and not consider confrontation essential to conflict resolution.
Think back to your last conflict with your spouse or someone who matters. Do you even remember what it was about? At the time, did you just have to beat a point to death to make sure you were heard and prove you were right? In five years, will being right matter? In this conflict, who won? Did it change something significant? Was it worth the energy expended in it?
I’m not advocating playing ostrich. I am advocating to blow off the little things, because odds are that was the nature of the conflict. Something is said. It irritates. And one or the other snaps off a heated response and the battle is in full swing. An hour later, often neither can say exactly what started it--they just kind of fell into it. It’s those conflicts that we need to develop patience and insight to ignore. Choose your battles carefully. Fight only the ones worth fighting.
In the work, the same principle applies. Say you got back the copy edits from hell. You could rant and/or rave. But you’re still going to have to go through the edits and make sure the copy is as you want it. So why not skip the energy waste and just do that. STET what you feel should be. Justify the major points. But if you approach those edits from the perspective of keeping every single word exactly as you had it, then you’re looking at them from a skewed perspective that well might have your ego/temper STETing an error the copyeditor caught that could save you embarrassment or have a book with an unnecessary flaw.
Fight the fights worth fighting, but you don’t have to fully engage in every potential battle. Life is often like a minefield because everyone has issues and emotions. Do you really want to step on every single mine? Won’t save a lot of time for anything else. Choose not to engage, unless it really matters to you.
My point in all of the above was to say that we become apt students and embrace these character traits and social skills to others, and that’s good. But far, far too often, we don’t extend them to ourselves. And that is not good.
Nurture your dreams, goals and desires. Give to yourself that which you would give someone else. Just an equal share. That doesn’t make you self-indulgent or self-serving. It means that your respect yourself and your dreams, goals and desires--your creations.
This fills your personal well. And it is only when your personal well is filled that you have the resources needed and necessary to reach out to others. Without resentment, without remorse, without regret, and without worry that you’ll give and suffer not having enough yourself.
Remember the need for a positive environment and all the reasons it is important and make the connection that without nurturing you don’t have the emotional resources, and therefore the emotional stability, to think with clarity. To create to your potential.
We’re human. And when we’re lacking, we suffer the effects of the lack. Those that are evident and those that aren’t apparent to the naked eye. Think of it in terms of an infant and milk. If a baby doesn’t get sufficient milk, s/he is underweight, hungry, cranky and catches every single thing that comes along. Those things are pretty evident. But the hidden effects are equal, just not visible--yet. Among the challenges are weak teeth and bones. Those might not become evident for a while, but they will become evident.
Well, the same is true for us. If we don’t get sufficient milk (nurturing) our emotional and spiritual aspects are impacted and those impact our physical aspect. We all pay the piper.
We’re human and impacted in another regard as well. When something is grating at us, it is that we dwell on. That which gets our attention, and often in a negative way. Often in a seek-someone--anyone but us--to blame way.
We tell ourselves, “When am I supposed to exercise? If my husband would take care of the baby for an hour in the morning, I’d walk. But he can’t or won’t. It’s his fault I don’t exercise. I can’t do it.”
Now if our desire to exercise were strong, we’d buy or borrow a Baby Bjorn or fashion a sling or grab a stroller and walk with the baby. We’d find a way--if we wanted to walk badly enough.
The same holds true in our writing. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve been told, “I’m going to write a book when I have time,” or “I would love to write, but I don’t have time. I work full-time.”
Many, many writers work full-time. Many are parents of small children. Many are the head in a single parent household. Many don’t own a computer so they type on a typewriter--or write in longhand and at intervals go to the public library to type what they’ve written.
If you want to write, you will. It’s that simple, and that complex. To increase your odds for doing what you want, do what you can to create the right, positive environment to attract what you want to you: nurture others, but also nurture yourself. Your potential and goals, dreams and desires are depending on it--and you need it.
Now what if your pursuit to attain these things we’re discussing generates conflict in your relationships. It certainly can because others are accustomed to you doing the bending, the giving, the fllexing required to make things happen. If you change, and things become more balanced for you, then whomever is slacking is going to have to step up. They’re not going to like it.
But that isn’t your problem. You can’t control their actions or their responses. You can’t control their words or their tempers. You can and must control your own. Calmly state your rationale and then do what you must do. Listen to feedback--ears and mind open--and if you can compromise (remember, choose your battles) then do so. But don’t forfeit because if you do, resentment is going to rub you raw and keep you raw and then everyone gets to be miserable.
The best you can do is to be honest, straightforward and clear that this specifically is something you need. Need. And then hang tough during the transition until you too are getting what you need. Change isn’t easy or painless, but it is necessary and when all settle in, then you too are more content. And when you are, then you’re a bigger blessing to yourself and to those around you. So in the end, it’s a win/win situation, and we all know those are the best kind.
And that brings us to forgiving ourselves. Sounds easy but execution can be darned difficult. We’ll discuss that next time, in Part 12 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007. Vicki Hinze
NURTURING
We learn from the cradle to be considerate of others. To be compassionate. Sympathetic. To care about things beyond ourselves and not be self-absorbed, selfish. We’re taught to be modest and humble and meek. Not to boast or brag, not to act superior to others and to be tolerant of our differences and respectful toward others and their belongings--and that includes their dreams and goals and desires.
Some of us learned these character traits and social skills from parents and/or other authority figures when we were young and thinking in this way comes natural.
Some of us had parents/authority figures that were clueless and that condemned us to learning these traits and skills via the school of hard knocks and attrition. Treat others shabbily or without respect for them and their aspirations and they exit your presence as speedily as their feet can carry them.
A few of us are hardheaded and insist on being self-absorbed and self-centered and usually end up lonely or trapped in a life full of strife that is of their own making.
But by the time we become adults, most of us have become apt students of these character traits and social skills. Some of course are better at it than others. To gauge, ask yourself what your peace ratio is. If there’s little peace in your life and little contentment in your work, you’ve likely spent too little time looking outward and too little time looking inward attuned to becoming a more balanced human being. If that’s the case, ask yourself what you can do to make someone else’s world a little better. That will always lift you up. Then ask yourself what peace means to you and that will give you the key to create it in your life.
As adults, most of us have matured and found a balance that serves us well during the course of our lives. And yet, if only at times, we find ourselves exhausted, mentally or physically or emotionally, and creating anything worthy of our time--again, your time is your life and not to be squandered--is almost impossible.
Why do we do that to ourselves? I say to ourselves because even if an outside influence is the instigator, we choose to allow it, and that means ultimately it is our responsibility.
In part, the reason goes back to the root of the teachings. If we want respect, we must earn it. If we want less conflict in our relationships, we have to work at better, gentler communications. We have to tamp our temper, bite our tongue and not consider confrontation essential to conflict resolution.
Think back to your last conflict with your spouse or someone who matters. Do you even remember what it was about? At the time, did you just have to beat a point to death to make sure you were heard and prove you were right? In five years, will being right matter? In this conflict, who won? Did it change something significant? Was it worth the energy expended in it?
I’m not advocating playing ostrich. I am advocating to blow off the little things, because odds are that was the nature of the conflict. Something is said. It irritates. And one or the other snaps off a heated response and the battle is in full swing. An hour later, often neither can say exactly what started it--they just kind of fell into it. It’s those conflicts that we need to develop patience and insight to ignore. Choose your battles carefully. Fight only the ones worth fighting.
In the work, the same principle applies. Say you got back the copy edits from hell. You could rant and/or rave. But you’re still going to have to go through the edits and make sure the copy is as you want it. So why not skip the energy waste and just do that. STET what you feel should be. Justify the major points. But if you approach those edits from the perspective of keeping every single word exactly as you had it, then you’re looking at them from a skewed perspective that well might have your ego/temper STETing an error the copyeditor caught that could save you embarrassment or have a book with an unnecessary flaw.
Fight the fights worth fighting, but you don’t have to fully engage in every potential battle. Life is often like a minefield because everyone has issues and emotions. Do you really want to step on every single mine? Won’t save a lot of time for anything else. Choose not to engage, unless it really matters to you.
My point in all of the above was to say that we become apt students and embrace these character traits and social skills to others, and that’s good. But far, far too often, we don’t extend them to ourselves. And that is not good.
Nurture your dreams, goals and desires. Give to yourself that which you would give someone else. Just an equal share. That doesn’t make you self-indulgent or self-serving. It means that your respect yourself and your dreams, goals and desires--your creations.
This fills your personal well. And it is only when your personal well is filled that you have the resources needed and necessary to reach out to others. Without resentment, without remorse, without regret, and without worry that you’ll give and suffer not having enough yourself.
Remember the need for a positive environment and all the reasons it is important and make the connection that without nurturing you don’t have the emotional resources, and therefore the emotional stability, to think with clarity. To create to your potential.
We’re human. And when we’re lacking, we suffer the effects of the lack. Those that are evident and those that aren’t apparent to the naked eye. Think of it in terms of an infant and milk. If a baby doesn’t get sufficient milk, s/he is underweight, hungry, cranky and catches every single thing that comes along. Those things are pretty evident. But the hidden effects are equal, just not visible--yet. Among the challenges are weak teeth and bones. Those might not become evident for a while, but they will become evident.
Well, the same is true for us. If we don’t get sufficient milk (nurturing) our emotional and spiritual aspects are impacted and those impact our physical aspect. We all pay the piper.
We’re human and impacted in another regard as well. When something is grating at us, it is that we dwell on. That which gets our attention, and often in a negative way. Often in a seek-someone--anyone but us--to blame way.
We tell ourselves, “When am I supposed to exercise? If my husband would take care of the baby for an hour in the morning, I’d walk. But he can’t or won’t. It’s his fault I don’t exercise. I can’t do it.”
Now if our desire to exercise were strong, we’d buy or borrow a Baby Bjorn or fashion a sling or grab a stroller and walk with the baby. We’d find a way--if we wanted to walk badly enough.
The same holds true in our writing. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve been told, “I’m going to write a book when I have time,” or “I would love to write, but I don’t have time. I work full-time.”
Many, many writers work full-time. Many are parents of small children. Many are the head in a single parent household. Many don’t own a computer so they type on a typewriter--or write in longhand and at intervals go to the public library to type what they’ve written.
If you want to write, you will. It’s that simple, and that complex. To increase your odds for doing what you want, do what you can to create the right, positive environment to attract what you want to you: nurture others, but also nurture yourself. Your potential and goals, dreams and desires are depending on it--and you need it.
Now what if your pursuit to attain these things we’re discussing generates conflict in your relationships. It certainly can because others are accustomed to you doing the bending, the giving, the fllexing required to make things happen. If you change, and things become more balanced for you, then whomever is slacking is going to have to step up. They’re not going to like it.
But that isn’t your problem. You can’t control their actions or their responses. You can’t control their words or their tempers. You can and must control your own. Calmly state your rationale and then do what you must do. Listen to feedback--ears and mind open--and if you can compromise (remember, choose your battles) then do so. But don’t forfeit because if you do, resentment is going to rub you raw and keep you raw and then everyone gets to be miserable.
The best you can do is to be honest, straightforward and clear that this specifically is something you need. Need. And then hang tough during the transition until you too are getting what you need. Change isn’t easy or painless, but it is necessary and when all settle in, then you too are more content. And when you are, then you’re a bigger blessing to yourself and to those around you. So in the end, it’s a win/win situation, and we all know those are the best kind.
And that brings us to forgiving ourselves. Sounds easy but execution can be darned difficult. We’ll discuss that next time, in Part 12 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007. Vicki Hinze
Thursday, January 18, 2007
MISTAKES WE MAKE: PART 8
KNOWING WHAT WE NEED #1
We’re curious creatures. We listen to others and can tell them exactly what they need. We can watch world events, and we know what needs to be done. We can home in on what we’re told in even the most complicated of challenges and come up with solutions in a snap. And yet we often don’t give ourselves the focus we give those things to determine a very important thing that impacts us in every way on every level: what we need.
The result is that we become walking wounded. We hobble and limp through life never feeling quite content or fulfilled or (dare I say it) happy.
The thing is all of that and more is there for us. But we have to choose to embrace it. On the surface we want those things, and if someone asked, we’d say of course we do, and yet we don’t determine first, what is lacking or out of balance in our lives that prevents us from having those things and we don’t take action to fix it. Often we do plenty of complaining about what’s wrong, but we don’t define the source.
That’s a huge mistake that has far reaching consequences. Fortunately, it is one we can fix. We need only choose to and to determine what we need.
Well, duh, I hear you saying. If we knew how to determine it, we would. (See I have been here, too. :)) Here are a few givens to consider:
THINGS WE NEED
1. WE NEED A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT.
There is no way to measure accurately all that is created from a positive or negative environment. It is safe to say that because of those silent triggers that set off other reactions in us, there will be a substantial impact on things we expect and on those we didn’t and really can’t expect until they happen.
What we can know definitively is that it’s hell being around negativity. Something always being wrong, nothing but doom and gloom can suck the life right out of you. How can you be excited or enthused, focusing on loving anything including your life and work if all you hear is negative comments?
Bringing this to a personal level, I once overheard a woman commenting to another at a wake, which in the south, is a time people come to the funeral home to pay their respects to the family and/or departed, before the actual funeral. Anyway, I was at this wake and I heard one woman tell another that she was sure the deceased willed himself to die to get away from his bitching wife.
I was twelve years old, and I’ve never forgotten it--and don’t nag my darling husband because of it! Often over the years, it has made me think, and whenever I encounter someone who is extremely negative I think of this. If I can help the person become more positive, I do. If not, I get away from that negative person and that situation.
Developing a “go down that road if you choose, but I’m not going with you” attitude is a healthy one. It’s difficult if not impossible to attract healthy, positive things when you’re in a negative environment.
Be selective about those with whom you associate. Friends and associates at work, all of those in your circle. Don’t feed your fears and doubts with negative thinking or actions. Things like jealousy, peer pressure, greed, the fear of there not being enough (there is always enough good for everyone; honest!)--will drag you down. Will suck you in until your view is as contaminated and polluted as that of those in your environment.
Does that mean you play Pollyanna? Ignore reality? Absolutely not. It means if your reality is contaminated or polluted, clean it up. Dust it off, scrub it up, or sweep it out.
Whiners and complainers are abundant and we’re all subjected to and vulnerable to them. So on this we must be diligent. No one ever changed anything for the better by whining and/or complaining. Pity parties don’t bring solutions to challenges, either.
This is fact. Not supposition. If you have a challenge or are presented with one, acknowledge it, by all means. But immediately turn your focus on finding a solution.
Challenges typically arise with the subtlety of a fog horn. You don’t have to dwell on them to know they’re there. Dwell instead on the solution. Positive, concrete action that you can take to correct the challenge.
It’s like anything broken. You do what you can to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, you accept it. If forgiveness is required, you give or receive it (if it’s offered, if not, accept that, too). And then you press on.
Remember, you can change a negative into a positive. Identify the negative. Determine what you must to make it a positive. Then take the necessary action to effect the change.
That last part--ACTION--is where many of us get lazy or hesitant or resistant. Without taking the necessary action, we’re in for more of the same. That’s the bottom line.
A positive environment is one that fosters what you want fostered to create the life and quality of life you want.
Think of it this way: you’re an orchid. Capable of incredible beauty and inspiration--being a blessing. Now you have a choice to make. You can live in a hot house, out in the cold, or in a healthy environment.
In which do you think you can best embrace beauty and inspire?
That brings us to detaching and attracting, which I’ll cover next time in Part 9 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007, Vicki Hinze
We’re curious creatures. We listen to others and can tell them exactly what they need. We can watch world events, and we know what needs to be done. We can home in on what we’re told in even the most complicated of challenges and come up with solutions in a snap. And yet we often don’t give ourselves the focus we give those things to determine a very important thing that impacts us in every way on every level: what we need.
The result is that we become walking wounded. We hobble and limp through life never feeling quite content or fulfilled or (dare I say it) happy.
The thing is all of that and more is there for us. But we have to choose to embrace it. On the surface we want those things, and if someone asked, we’d say of course we do, and yet we don’t determine first, what is lacking or out of balance in our lives that prevents us from having those things and we don’t take action to fix it. Often we do plenty of complaining about what’s wrong, but we don’t define the source.
That’s a huge mistake that has far reaching consequences. Fortunately, it is one we can fix. We need only choose to and to determine what we need.
Well, duh, I hear you saying. If we knew how to determine it, we would. (See I have been here, too. :)) Here are a few givens to consider:
THINGS WE NEED
1. WE NEED A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT.
There is no way to measure accurately all that is created from a positive or negative environment. It is safe to say that because of those silent triggers that set off other reactions in us, there will be a substantial impact on things we expect and on those we didn’t and really can’t expect until they happen.
What we can know definitively is that it’s hell being around negativity. Something always being wrong, nothing but doom and gloom can suck the life right out of you. How can you be excited or enthused, focusing on loving anything including your life and work if all you hear is negative comments?
Bringing this to a personal level, I once overheard a woman commenting to another at a wake, which in the south, is a time people come to the funeral home to pay their respects to the family and/or departed, before the actual funeral. Anyway, I was at this wake and I heard one woman tell another that she was sure the deceased willed himself to die to get away from his bitching wife.
I was twelve years old, and I’ve never forgotten it--and don’t nag my darling husband because of it! Often over the years, it has made me think, and whenever I encounter someone who is extremely negative I think of this. If I can help the person become more positive, I do. If not, I get away from that negative person and that situation.
Developing a “go down that road if you choose, but I’m not going with you” attitude is a healthy one. It’s difficult if not impossible to attract healthy, positive things when you’re in a negative environment.
Be selective about those with whom you associate. Friends and associates at work, all of those in your circle. Don’t feed your fears and doubts with negative thinking or actions. Things like jealousy, peer pressure, greed, the fear of there not being enough (there is always enough good for everyone; honest!)--will drag you down. Will suck you in until your view is as contaminated and polluted as that of those in your environment.
Does that mean you play Pollyanna? Ignore reality? Absolutely not. It means if your reality is contaminated or polluted, clean it up. Dust it off, scrub it up, or sweep it out.
Whiners and complainers are abundant and we’re all subjected to and vulnerable to them. So on this we must be diligent. No one ever changed anything for the better by whining and/or complaining. Pity parties don’t bring solutions to challenges, either.
This is fact. Not supposition. If you have a challenge or are presented with one, acknowledge it, by all means. But immediately turn your focus on finding a solution.
Challenges typically arise with the subtlety of a fog horn. You don’t have to dwell on them to know they’re there. Dwell instead on the solution. Positive, concrete action that you can take to correct the challenge.
It’s like anything broken. You do what you can to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, you accept it. If forgiveness is required, you give or receive it (if it’s offered, if not, accept that, too). And then you press on.
Remember, you can change a negative into a positive. Identify the negative. Determine what you must to make it a positive. Then take the necessary action to effect the change.
That last part--ACTION--is where many of us get lazy or hesitant or resistant. Without taking the necessary action, we’re in for more of the same. That’s the bottom line.
A positive environment is one that fosters what you want fostered to create the life and quality of life you want.
Think of it this way: you’re an orchid. Capable of incredible beauty and inspiration--being a blessing. Now you have a choice to make. You can live in a hot house, out in the cold, or in a healthy environment.
In which do you think you can best embrace beauty and inspire?
That brings us to detaching and attracting, which I’ll cover next time in Part 9 of MISTAKES WE MAKE.
Blessings,
Vicki
©2007, Vicki Hinze
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
MISTAKES WE MAKE: PART 1
The opportunity for errors abound in life, and of course, that extends to your career. How well you identify and define them, when you identify and define them, has a direct relationship on your ability to resolve the potential problem areas--before they become errors or mistakes that you must live with forevermore.
Unfortunately, we too often zing along, ignoring warning bells (or doing our part to resolve them and they relying on the next person in our personal chain to do their part without verifying they have) and the window of opportunity to nip a potential challenge in the bud before it becomes a problem is missed.
A couple of examples: You submit your work to an agent, who supposedly is submitting your work. You don't have anything verifying that, and later learn the agent hasn't submitted at all. Whose mistake is that? Well, the agent's word that the submission is done should be (and often is) sufficient, but it happens too often that it isn't to assume it. Reputable agents know their word is their bond. But if a formerly reputable agent fails to be honest with you, or fails to do his or her part, who pays the penalty? The author. And the author loses the time and can't reclaim it. Considering that the time can be a year or even more, that lost potential is nothing at which to sneeze. In the past year, I've been approached by five authors who have been in the center of this challenge.
The moral of this example: Verification is part of your job. Never work with someone you can't trust. But even the most trustworthy person in the world is capable of human error. Verify. It's your work, your career and part of your job to monitor the process closely enough that you know what is happening with your work.
Another example is one I've seen too often to count. And that is, an author is with a publisher, loses an editor and is struggling with an ill-fitting new editor. The author doesn't want to leave the publisher but everything s/he is doing is being rejected. S/he can't please the new editor.
It's interesting to note that in these cases, the author is well aware of the challenge but so fears being at loose ends when changing houses that s/he willingly bangs his/her head against the proverbial wall, trying to please the new editor (which simply does not happen). Often this attempt to please goes on for an extended time--a year, two years, and sometimes longer. Time during which the writer's doubt that s/he can produce a publishable manuscript grows and his/her confidence in her writing abilities dwindles.
The moral of this example: do not write to please an editor. Write the stories you must write. The ones that nag you, that wake you up in the middle of the night. The stories that haunt you if you do not write them. Those stories contain the magical element of enthusiasm and interest that permeates a work and infuses it with strength. It can't be faked, and without it, publishing potential is crippled.
Look at it this way. You're being rejected anyway. Why not be rejected on a project you're crazy about versus one you're writing to please someone else? At least if your beloved project is rejected, you've loved it. That can't be said for the one written to another's specifications.
There are two things we really need to look at closely in these problem area situations.
1. Warning Bells.
2. Fear.
Regardless of by what name you call those warning bells--intuitive nudges, hunches, gut instincts, divine shoulder taps--they are early-warning indication systems. Ones that sound the alarm when something has tripped it, and to spare ourselves challenges that become mistakes, we need to perk up and pay attention, and then act on them. Even the best alarm system in the world only notifies. It's up to the person notified to act to prevent loss and/or damage.
Bottom-line advice: Heed your hunches.
Fear is a mean taskmaster. It can cripple, debilitate, destroy. It has as much power as we give it--no more, but no less--and there is but one way to overcome it: courage.
You can run or hide, but fear will find you. You can play ostrich and bury your head in the sand, but when you do, your ass is exposed and up in the air, just a perfect target for getting kicked--and it will.
You're going to face that fear whether or not you want to do it, so why not face it on your own terms?
It's impossible to outrun, outwit or otherwise avoid fear (or any other merciless demon) when it's in your own mind. Accept it. Unless you deal with fear constructively, it remains in you, it grows, and you'll never be free of it. Enslaved is no way to live.
Bottom-line advice: Recognize fear but embrace courage. Fear debilitates. Courage liberates.
We'll continue with Part 2 next time.
Blessings,
Vicki
Vicki Hinze
c 2006
Unfortunately, we too often zing along, ignoring warning bells (or doing our part to resolve them and they relying on the next person in our personal chain to do their part without verifying they have) and the window of opportunity to nip a potential challenge in the bud before it becomes a problem is missed.
A couple of examples: You submit your work to an agent, who supposedly is submitting your work. You don't have anything verifying that, and later learn the agent hasn't submitted at all. Whose mistake is that? Well, the agent's word that the submission is done should be (and often is) sufficient, but it happens too often that it isn't to assume it. Reputable agents know their word is their bond. But if a formerly reputable agent fails to be honest with you, or fails to do his or her part, who pays the penalty? The author. And the author loses the time and can't reclaim it. Considering that the time can be a year or even more, that lost potential is nothing at which to sneeze. In the past year, I've been approached by five authors who have been in the center of this challenge.
The moral of this example: Verification is part of your job. Never work with someone you can't trust. But even the most trustworthy person in the world is capable of human error. Verify. It's your work, your career and part of your job to monitor the process closely enough that you know what is happening with your work.
Another example is one I've seen too often to count. And that is, an author is with a publisher, loses an editor and is struggling with an ill-fitting new editor. The author doesn't want to leave the publisher but everything s/he is doing is being rejected. S/he can't please the new editor.
It's interesting to note that in these cases, the author is well aware of the challenge but so fears being at loose ends when changing houses that s/he willingly bangs his/her head against the proverbial wall, trying to please the new editor (which simply does not happen). Often this attempt to please goes on for an extended time--a year, two years, and sometimes longer. Time during which the writer's doubt that s/he can produce a publishable manuscript grows and his/her confidence in her writing abilities dwindles.
The moral of this example: do not write to please an editor. Write the stories you must write. The ones that nag you, that wake you up in the middle of the night. The stories that haunt you if you do not write them. Those stories contain the magical element of enthusiasm and interest that permeates a work and infuses it with strength. It can't be faked, and without it, publishing potential is crippled.
Look at it this way. You're being rejected anyway. Why not be rejected on a project you're crazy about versus one you're writing to please someone else? At least if your beloved project is rejected, you've loved it. That can't be said for the one written to another's specifications.
There are two things we really need to look at closely in these problem area situations.
1. Warning Bells.
2. Fear.
Regardless of by what name you call those warning bells--intuitive nudges, hunches, gut instincts, divine shoulder taps--they are early-warning indication systems. Ones that sound the alarm when something has tripped it, and to spare ourselves challenges that become mistakes, we need to perk up and pay attention, and then act on them. Even the best alarm system in the world only notifies. It's up to the person notified to act to prevent loss and/or damage.
Bottom-line advice: Heed your hunches.
Fear is a mean taskmaster. It can cripple, debilitate, destroy. It has as much power as we give it--no more, but no less--and there is but one way to overcome it: courage.
You can run or hide, but fear will find you. You can play ostrich and bury your head in the sand, but when you do, your ass is exposed and up in the air, just a perfect target for getting kicked--and it will.
You're going to face that fear whether or not you want to do it, so why not face it on your own terms?
It's impossible to outrun, outwit or otherwise avoid fear (or any other merciless demon) when it's in your own mind. Accept it. Unless you deal with fear constructively, it remains in you, it grows, and you'll never be free of it. Enslaved is no way to live.
Bottom-line advice: Recognize fear but embrace courage. Fear debilitates. Courage liberates.
We'll continue with Part 2 next time.
Blessings,
Vicki
Vicki Hinze
c 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
STEALING JOY
WHEN OTHERS FEED ON HURTING YOU
CONTROL YOU
We all have our soft underbelly; the one we avoid confrontation with whenever possible. We’ve been there before, and we know how much it hurts.
Whether we call it someone stabbing us in the back, stepping on our toes or driving nails through our hearts, we get the feeling, and we’ve dealt with the many side-effects.
Joy, like life itself, is a fragile thing. And it seems we’re all blessed (or cursed) with at least one person in our lives who is hellbent on making sure that they steal ours. Whenever things are going well, or even when we’re in an unsettled state but we’re cooping well and still finding joy in our lives, in comes that person to steal our joy and make us miserable.
Maybe the thief isn’t getting enough attention. Maybe s/he’s secretly unhappy and can’t stand the sight of anyone else being joyful in their imperfect life. Maybe s/he thrives on upset. Or feels that tearing others down builds them up. It could be the thief is a control freak and feels threatened by you, so s/he makes it his or her business to not let you be too happy to keep you humble. Or the thief could just not give a damn. So what if you’re hurt? It’s not his or her fault if what s/he wants negatively impacts you. Or--and this is the worst possible case, of course--the thief takes joy in deliberately hurting you and stealing your joy.
Yes, sad as it is to say, there really are people who thrive and blossom and find happiness in making other people miserable. Particularly people, who for one reason or the other, don’t like them.
When someone steals your joy once, you’re inclined to be forgiving and consider it an accident. But what if the thief does this over and again? Always at significant moments, or over events that are significant and meaningful to you? What do you do then? How do you cope?
OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT. When you’re on the receiving end of joy stealing, being objective is all but impossible. Still, we have to do our best or remain a victim.
Try to determine why the thief is stealing your joy. Only when you grasp their motivation can you deal with the problem constructively.
UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. In these type situations, most often there’s something at risk. Something that puts you between the rock and the hard place. Whether it’s your job, your reputation, or someone you love. And you have to understand that cause-and-effect, action-and-reaction is hard at work.
So think through scenarios. If the thief does this, you do that, where does that leave you?
What do you have at stake and are you willing to lose it?
Sometimes being the victim doesn’t enable you to avoid the penalty. You’re caught in an emotional blackmail or hostage-type situation. When the thief does this, anything you do results in the loss of x. So before you do anything, you need to understand and accept that you well might lose. Are you willing to live with that loss?
CONFRONTATION. We typically hate it. Some of us are better at it, more diplomatic, less emotional than others, but normal, healthy and stable people don’t relish confrontation or conflict or the upset both carry along with it.
Yet when our joy is being stolen, we have little choice. We can step up and deal with the confrontation or allow ourselves to be victims and robbed of joy.
One or the other. We must choose. And we must live with our choices.
They’re never easy ones because of what is at stake and the risks of what we can lose. More often than not, it means a great deal to us or the thief wouldn’t be trying to steal it. So we must weigh the situation carefully and then choose.
CONSEQUENCES. As unpleasant as confrontation and conflict is, if we’re able to work through it and come out a better place, it’s worth the effort. Whether or not we’re able to get to that better place isn’t just our choice. The thief gets a vote, too. And when s/he weighs in, that vote can take many forms. Anger, denial, outrage, justification, the false attribution of motives that are supposedly yours that are alien to you--any or all of those reactions are as apt to arise as a peaceful, imperfect solution to the problem or even a resolution with which you can be at peace.
The consequences could be alienation, distance, separation or divorce. The loss of the job. The loss of a loved one.
Steep consequences are possible. Very possible because reason and logic are skewed by emotions in these situations and because our perspectives are a complex network of experiences and events--some of which are related to our interactions with the joy stealer and some that go beyond that relationship and into other areas of our lives. Things that happened with other people, back when we were kids. Professional things. Personal things.
The sum of all our experiences shape our perspective and the lens through which we see the thief and the joy s/he steals.
CONTROL. The bottom line is that we can’t control others’ actions. We can only control our reactions to their actions.
We can choose to confront or withdraw. To accept or distance ourselves from the thief. To try--often for the umpteenth time--to be blunt and honest with the thief, about the pain they’re inflicting in the hope that they will choose not to deliberately hurt us again. Or we can accept that the thief, regardless of motivation, is going to continue to hurt us and steal our joy and walk away.
In the end, we choose how much control and power over us we give the thief.
It is rarely an easy choice. Rarely simple or free from many shades of gray.
It is seldom a choice we look forward to making or one we wanted to be placed in the position of having to make. Yet if we do not, then doing nothing--willingly being the victim--does nothing to resolve the joy-stealing, only adds baggage to it.
So we assess the situation, no matter how much we wish we didn’t have to do it.
We understand the stakes, no matter how much we wish we never had to put things this dear to us at stake.
We endure the confrontation, even if it makes us sick for days or weeks afterward and our hearts yearn for peace.
We steel ourselves and accept the consequences for the course of action we’ve chosen to take, even if enacting it brings certain grief and mourning.
We control ourselves, our actions, making hard choices because we know that while avoiding them would be easier, living with avoiding them would not.
And we endure this, suffer through the upsets and losses we incur stopping the thief because when we look at life, its fragility and brevity--we are here but a moment--we know this truth:
If we are living without joy, we are already dead.
And that penalty is far too costly to pay. ❧
Blessings,
Vicki
Vicki Hinze
c2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)